Addiction Chronicles: I once scrambled to sell an AC unit for $25 bucks to buy weed.

He shorted me, too. Only got $23 bucks!

But is that any surprise? My actions were low vibe so that’s what I got in return.

And when I ran out of flower, I’d scrape the bottom of the bowl and take hits of the blackened resin.

Those images in my mind are quintessential addiction. It’s the stuff you see in movies when someone is desperate for a fix. And I’ve been desperate for a fix.

But no one really knew, and anyone who did didn’t care– either because me being numb and on “cloud 9” was to their advantage and/or because I looked and acted somewhat “wholesome” enough.

That’s what an older couple agreed when they saw me smoking at a party, “You look too wholesome to smoke,” and a client who learned I was a weed smoker once said to me “I had you pegged for a rosé all day kinda girl!”

I took pride in that because at least if I didn’t “look like a pothead” then I wasn’t a pothead... right?

At least if I didn’t really “wake and bake” or smoke all throughout the day - “just a couple hits” in the afternoon or evening - then it’s all gravy, baby.

But nope. I was 100% addicted. And being desperate enough to smoke black goo was proof of that.

It took me a decade before I was willing to admit that to myself. To admit that the fact that I’d tried quitting in the past and couldn’t go longer than 30 days meant I had a problem.

It was seeing myself through the eyes of a 14-year old I loved, and who I realized I was setting a terrible example for, that gave me the extra nudge I needed to set myself straight. I’d already been losing the desire, but when she called me a pothead, I knew deep down she was right.

Getting off weed for good wasn’t actually the hard part. Once I found the tools I needed, it was easy. It’s what came after that was challenging. Navigating all the stuff that was coming to the surface. All the things I’d been numbing for so long. Learning to be a sober human in a harsh world.

It’s been so worth it, though. The pain of facing what’s real and healing it is NOTHING compared to the pain that was compounding as I kept stuffing things down.

I’ll take challenging yet rewarding vs. numb and sick ANY day of the year.

– Malana