2022: The Year I Chose Myself

In March of 2022, I found myself living alone for the first time in my life, in a still new-to-me location, in a barely-furnished apartment, without a car or a stable income, a divorce on the horizon, a pile of grief to wade through, and an overwhelming number of decisions to make…

... all while experiencing bullying, harassment, and betrayal from the people who had abused me.

It was a lot, and I was wholly unprepared for it.

Prior to all of this, I’d spent a year making really GOOD decisions for myself– eating cleaner and detoxing my body, detaching from abusive and misaligned relationships, healing from chronic pain and a 10-year addiction to weed brought on by repressed childhood trauma…

... I’d even moved to a new state and had plans to start a new career. Life was on the up and up!

However, there was one final piece that needed to go and that was my marriage.

I'd realized it was on thin ice a year prior to “the collapse” after my rose-colored glasses started to slip, and I began recognizing signs of narcissism:

  • the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde behavior
  • the bullying and intimidation
  • the disinterest and lack of emotion I experienced from them unless they wanted something
  • the exhaustion I felt from their mood swings
  • how "charming" and "helpful" they appeared to others, yet how empty and lonely things felt behind closed doors… just to name a few.

BUT I was hoovered into giving things another chance.

And for a little while, they did make palpable, positive change in their lives. I had high hopes.

Though it didn't last, and the hope I was hanging onto began to fray.

Not feeling ready to let go and accept reality, I once again found myself putting my needs last, making excuses, allowing myself to be gaslit and manipulated, and making poor decisions.

Still vulnerable from a year of healing my childhood trauma and making major life changes, I put too much trust in someone to have my back when what I really needed to do was have my own.

Until finally, there were no moves left to make, and it was time to make THE choice:

Them? Or Me?

I chose myself.

The most sane choice I'd made all year.

– Malana